I keep going through this constant yo-yo of feeling like I’ve finally got it together and feeling like I’ve finally falling apart.
“There’s this piece of me that’s like “yeah Andi, you can do this. look at who you’ve become. look at where you came from. You used to look at yourself and see nothing but failure. You used to think that you were so fucked up, that you were beyond recognition. That no one could ever love you. that you could never love yourself. You thought that you would never become anything important. and so many people doubted you and look at you now. You’re in college, and you’re surviving..despite being constantly broke, constantly being sick and in pain, and skating by in your classes. You can switch from English, to Spanish, to ASL without a problem. You’ve traveled the world and helped people who needed it and asked for nothing in return. You’ve finally cut out the people who drug you down. You’re in the healthiest relationship you’ve ever been in, with someone who cares about you.All of this stress, all this panic that you’re feeling…you’ve gone through worse. This is the best you’ve ever been”
Then there’s that piece that’s like “but you could be doing so much better. your grades could be better, how are you supposed to go to grad school with a 2.75? you can’t handle taking 16 credits. you can’t handle working. you’re just living in this constant fog of self -doubt and can’t figure out what the fuck you’re going to do with yourself. Your doctors think that you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown because you’re on the maximum of anti-depressants. yet you still can’t get out of bed some days and all you want to do is cry. Everyone else around you is getting ready for grad school, going to Teach for America, and fucking doing something with your life. and you’re getting left in the dust because you can’t figure your shit out.”
and I hate it. I hate the back and forth. I wish I could leave all this indecision behind and just fucking choose between liking myself and hating myself, because then at least for once I’d be consistent. Until then, I’m just in this middle ground. Between being a success and being a fuckup. I wish I could learn how to be a normal person. But until then, I’ll be here. Swinging on this pendulum. Wondering if I’ll ever have enough stability in my life to leave this limbo and go somewhere: whether it be heaven or hell.
A new female leader in Africa: Joyce Banda, the vice president of Malawi, was sworn in as president Saturday, two days after the death of the country’s longtime leader, Bingu wa Mutharika. ”I call upon all Malawians to remain calm and to keep the peace during this time of bereavement,” she said. Though there were political concerns which threatened to prevent Banda from taking power — she had been removed from her party, though held onto her vice-presidential post — but when all was said and done, Banda was sworn in, a fairly smooth transition for a country in need of one. Banda is the continent’s third-ever female leader, following in the footsteps of Ethiopian Empress Zewditu and Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf. (photo by Mabvuto Banda/Reuters)